ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS
William M. Buchholz, M.D.
If I came to you and said, "I have all the answers to how you
can conquer cancer," what would you think? You might be pretty hopeful
if you had cancer and were looking for THE ANSWER. You might be
pretty skeptical too, wondering how I might know the answer when
nobody else does. As the old joke goes, I have some good news and
I have some bad news. The good news is, THERE ARE ANSWERS. The bad
news is I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS, I JUST HAVE THE QUESTIONS.
There is some more good news. I know where to find the answers.
Inside you. We'll make it a game. We'll play "20 questions." The
questions are somewhat provocative. Some of them are hard. You may
never have asked these questions before. I make no apology for their
difficulty. Cancer asks some very difficult questions. If you wish
to be a winner, you have to be willing to try just a little harder
than the next guy. Remember, no matter how grim the situation, some
people do very well. Why shouldn't you be one of them?
TRY THIS TEST
This is an open book test. Everybody who tries gets an "A." To
get the most benefit, answer all of the questions. Write something
in each space even if you don't know the correct answer. You'll
get at least partial credit and might even surprise yourself with
the right answer. If the question doesn't seem clear, give it your
best shot anyway.
I. QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
WHAT IS SUCCESS FOR YOU?
That's easy. Getting rid of the cancer and forgetting all about
it. Most people want to be cured, to have the disease removed from
their body. What else might success be? Emerging with your body
intact? Doing things your way? Understanding why it happened? (You
are not allowed to blame yourself, that is against the rules of
the Geneva Convention!) Learning more about yourself?
This is probably the most important question you can ask. What
do you want? Consider all the aspects of success: physical, emotional,
spiritual, social, intellectual, etc.
This is not a trick question. However, the answer is tricky because
it changes from time to time. You can come back and answer this
question again and again. For the way you are feeling right this
moment:
WHAT IS SUCCESS FOR YOU?
WHAT IS YOUR STYLE?
Are you a Warrior? Are you an Earth Mother? Are you an Innocent
Child? A Martyr? An Injured Party? A Wounded Healer? Everybody has
their own style, whether it is described as an archetype or not.
It's important to recognize your own style and see what is authentically
you. If you are quick to anger, use that trait as one of your tools
to fight the cancer. If you are innocent and look to others for
help in making decisions, surround yourself with trustworthy advisors.
If you have been wronged, use that righteous indignation to remind
you that you have the right to live as a worthwhile being.
Answering this question will take two parts. First think about
several situations in which your particular style was evident and
write down words or phrases that would describe that style. Choose
situations in which you were successful or proud of yourself. Then
think of ways to use those traits.
What if you don't like what you see about yourself? What if your
style isn't like John Wayne or Catherine Hepburn? What if there
are things you'd like to change? Write those down, too, but remember,
this is not a "to do" list of character traits you're supposed to
alter today after living with them for 40 years. The real purpose
of knowing your own style is THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE STRONGEST. Work
from your strengths. If you have trouble seeing the strengths in
your style, ask a friend. They'll help you.
WHAT IS YOUR STYLE?
HOW CAN YOU USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
Why on Earth do you want to stay around? Is there something
good in your life that makes the struggle worthwhile? What are your
goals? Are there things you want to do tomorrow, next week, next
year? Can you picture people you love around you or is there only
the anticipation of more loneliness? Is the only thing ahead of
you more stress and work or is there space for play and relaxation?
You can answer this question in different ways. If you wish, put
down the kinds of problems you anticipate, but also leave room for
the solutions. Even if they are not apparent immediately, be open
to them arriving just as you need them. Otherwise, write out good
things you can anticipate in the future.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
TODAY____________________________________________________________
TOMORROW________________________________________________________
NEXT WEEK________________________________________________________
THIS MONTH_______________________________________________________
THIS YEAR_________________________________________________________
NEXT YEAR________________________________________________________
IN 5 YEARS_________________________________________________________
IN 10 YEARS________________________________________________________
IN 20 YEARS________________________________________________________
WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?
Where do you draw the line? You want to be cured but are not
willing to have surgery? You want to live but don't want to ask
for help? You'd rather die than to cry in front of somebody? You
want to be healed but are unwilling to forgive that @*@#$%# who
did you wrong? "Willing to do for what?" you say. That depends on what you get.
Faust sold his soul to the devil for knowledge. You can answer this
question several times. First consider what you are willing to to
to be cured of cancer. Then consider what you would do to to be
healed, to become whole again.
WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?
HAVE SURGERY_____ RADIATION THERAPY_____ CHEMOTHERAPY_____
CHANGE YOUR DIET_____ EAT MORE_____ EAT LESS_____
TAKE VITAMINS_____
CHANGE YOUR BELIEF THAT___________________________________________
CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE THAT________________________________________
STOP____________________________THAT IS MAKING YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
START______________________THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR LIFE WORTHWHILE.
TELL _________________________________________YOU LOVE HIM OR
HER?
FORGIVE__________&___________&__________&__________&_________TOO.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Many people are more afraid of dying than they are eager to
be living. Are you running away from death or towards life? Are
you afraid to show your vulnerability? Your strength? Are you afraid
to show who you really are, that you might not be accepted? Are
you afraid you might break down? How does fear paralyze you, blind
you, rob you of your power? If you are afraid of God's judgment,
don't worry. Your judgment of yourself is much harsher than His.
Answering this question is hard. If you say what you're afraid
of you have to admit that you're afraid of something. Not only that,
but by naming it and making it real on paper, the whole world will
find out! Again I have some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is the fear is there whether you acknowledge it or not. The
good news is everybody else is afraid of the same things! You are
not alone! There is more good news. By writing out your fears, they
get smaller, not larger. Besides, once you know what they are you
can deal with them more effectively.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
ARE YOU "TERMINAL?"
"Terminal" is more a state of mind than body. Have you given
up? Are you just waiting to die or are you living each moment as
fully as possible? Far too many people believe that nothing can
be done if the doctor says he or she can't do it. Doctors don't
know everything.
The myth of cancer is so powerful that it acts like a voodoo curse.
Once the word is used, the person dies because they believe they
are dying. I've known people with "terminal cancer" who have lived
for many years, sometimes longer than their doctors. I have also
had a patient 5 days after he was told he had lung cancer. In 5
days he was no sicker than he was at the time of diagnosis. He just
died.
ARE YOU TERMINAL?
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL CANCER PATIENT
Is all of your time devoted to fighting the cancer? Do you think
about the cancer all the time? Do you avoid thinking about the cancer
all the time?
Don't lose your amateur standing! The purpose of life is to live
it. If you are so focused on fighting the cancer that you forget
about having fun, being creative, loving someone you're missing
the point. There are times when cancer treatment should be the highest
priority, but not to the exclusion of everything else.
To answer this question look at the balance in your life. Ask
yourself if you would be healthier or more whole if you did more
of this or less of that. Trust your intuition.
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL CANCER PATIENT?
WHO
IS THERE FOR YOU?
What is your support system? What doctor(s)? Friends? Family
members? Neighbors? Counselors? Groups? Books? What are you doing
that makes it hard for them to support you? What could you do to
make it easier. What other resources could you use?
This
is a good question for someone to help you. You might be too modest,
too shy, or too reluctant to put down some names. You might have
forgotten your brother who is an oncologist in Chicago, or your
cousin who is a retired nurse, or your daughter who is home from
school and wants to spend time with you. It is more blessed to give
than to receive the Bible says. Why not give somebody a chance to
show their love for you? It is an act of generosity to allow someone
the richness of giving.
WHO
IS THERE FOR YOU?
FAMILY____________________________________________________________
FRIENDS___________________________________________________________
DOCTORS__________________________________________________________
OTHER
PROFESSIONALS_______________________________________________
GROUPS___________________________________________________________
OTHER
RESOURCES__________________________________________________
WHAT DO YOU TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS?
What
do you tell your children? What do you tell your boss, co-workers,
friends?
Your
family and friends want to help. They are one of your strongest
resources. They need your guidance, however, to know how to help.
Let them know what you want or don't want. If you need encouragement,
put a sign on your door, "I NEED A HUG TODAY." If you could use
some help with house work, deputize someone to arrange for cleaning
and cooking to be done.
What
about the "well meaning" aunt or co-worker who is always saying
the wrong thing, like "you look so well for having cancer, I can't
believe it." You can have compassion for them because they are dealing
with their own stuff and don't really see you at all. You do not
have to hang out with them. Stick with the optimists.
WHAT
DO I TELL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS?
MY
SPOUSE________________________________________________________
MY
CHILDREN______________________________________________________
MY
PARENTS_______________________________________________________
MY
FRIEND_________:_______________________________________________
MY
FRIEND_________:_______________________________________________
MY
FRIEND_________:_______________________________________________
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ALL YOUR OPTIONS?
Have
you considered getting a second opinion from another doctor? From
another specialty? Have you looked at complementary therapies such
as body therapy, dietary changes, psychological techniques, etc?
(See chapter 12 also) What have you read? What have you been meaning
to read? Who have you talked to? Who have you been meaning to talk
to? What programs and support systems have you evaluated?
Answer
this question according to categories. You may feel complete in
some areas and want to explore more in other areas. You don't have
to do everything at once. Some options may be saved for later.
WHAT
ARE YOUR OPTIONS FOR:
MEDICAL/SURGICAL/ETC.
TREATMENT?
COMPLEMENTARY
THERAPY?
EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT?
INFORMATION?
PRACTICAL
HELP?
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP YOURSELF?
Are
you doing everything you can to help yourself?
Just
as you would ask your doctor to do everything he can to help you,
ask the same of yourself. You wouldn't want a half-hearted try from
your doctor, so put in 100% effort yourself. After all, it is your
life at stake.
How
do you know if you're doing everything? As yourself, "Am I doing
all I can to help myself?" If you say, "yes," give yourself a god
star and keep it up. If you have any doubts, write down the first
few things that come to mind. Then get some help in doing them.
If they were easy, you would have done them last week.
WHAT
CAN I DO TO HELP MYSELF?
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD?
What
kind of a question is that? In dealing with cancer you need all
the help you can get. Why not use God? Like chicken soup, a little
prayer never hurt. It can get awfully lonely sometimes. Having a
friend in high places helps.
According
to my best sources, God does not live in any particular church,
temple or mosque. He/She looks the way you need Him/Her to look.
At some point you will have to make an arbitrary decision: either
the universe is benign or it isn't. (Since you can't prove it one
way or the other, why not assume that it's benign. ) If it is benign,
then God is likely to be benevolent. He may have a strange sense
of humor; or it may be that we just don't get the joke. In any event:
WHAT
IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD?
II.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR DOCTOR
This
list of questions is not approved by the AMA. In fact there may
be some doctors out there who would be upset if you asked them these
questions directly. Nevertheless, you need to know the answers because
your body and your life is at stake. If you can't ask them directly,
find out indirectly. Talk with the nurse, she or he is in an ideal
position to know some things. Remember, though, she has a vested
interest. Talk with nurses at the hospital. Talk with pharmacists
and pharmaceutical representatives. Speak with your family doctor.
See also chapter 11, Making Your Doctor Work for You.
CAN I TRUST YOU?
Doctor,
whose side are you on? Are you really paying attention to me? Can
you see all of me, not just my disease? Doctors are human and no
matter how well motivated, they are not perfect. What you want is
somebody who will recognize that there is a person who has cancer
and that both must be considered.
Answers:
HOW GOOD ARE YOU?
Doctor,
how good are you at what you do? Are you board certified? Do you
practice at a good hospital? Can you get along with other people
I want on my team? Will you be upset if I ask for a second opinion?
No one doctor is good at everything. Your surgeon may have great
hands but a poor bedside manner. Your family doctor may understand
you but not understand radiation therapy. You may need a team of
doctors to meet all your needs. At minimum, however, they should
be competent in their fields and not have egos so big they bump
into other people.
ANSWERS:
WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
Doctor,
have you considered everything that is available? Have you considered
medical as well as surgical treatments? Would I do better if I combined
treatments? If there is no standard treatment, what research and
experimental treatments are available? If I got a second opinion
would they say the same thing as you?
While
there are experts on certain cancers, no doctor knows everything
about everything. He will know more about his own specialty than
other fields and may be inclined to recommend his own treatment
because he is most familiar with it. It may be the best treatment,
too. However, sometimes there are several treatments that work equally
well and the choice is more one of patient preference.
ANSWERS:
WHAT IS THE TREATMENT LIKE?
Doctor,
how often do you get good results from this treatment? Does "good"
mean that the cancer is permanently cured or that life is prolonged
or that the cancer shrinks? How often do your patients experience
side effects? What are they?
A
" response" may mean one thing to the doctor and quite another to
you. Make sure you understand what the doctor is telling you. While
some treatments may not promise cure, the people who respond may
live longer than those who don't. There's a lot you can do in an
extra 6 months or more! Don't try to pin your doctor down to an
exact number since different studies generally vary in the reported
response rate. Just because there are side effects doesn't mean
that you will get them. Find out which are likely and decide whether
you can put up with them. For the rare ones, remember the disease
has side effects too.
ANSWERS:
IS THIS AN EMERGENCY?
Doctor,
how long do I have to make a decision? Can I think things over?
How seriously threatened is my life right now?
Although
you may feel panic when you are first diagnosed, the urgency to
start treatment depends on how sick you are, not how worried you
are. You may feel most comfortable acting promptly. You should make
a decision that you can live with.
ANSWERS:
DOCTOR, WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
What
symptoms should I report to you? Is there a good time for me to
call you if I have questions? Are there specific things I should
do or avoid? Are there specific foods or vitamins I should eat or
avoid?
You're
both working on the same team, right? Make it easy for your doctor
to help you. There may be specific items he needs to know each time
you visit such as fevers, nausea, activity level, etc. If you bring
in a written list answering all his questions, he may have more
time to answer you questions.
ANSWERS:
WHAT ARE MY RESOURCES?
Doctor,
what support groups are available? Where can I get more literature?
Are there dietitians, physical therapists, counselors, etc. nearby?
ANSWERS:
WHAT
ARE THE "ODDS?"
Jimmy
the Greek calls football games, boxing matches, even arm wrestling.
Your doct or can report statistics that apply to groups of people
that may or may not be like you. He doesn't know the odds of your
survival. Be careful how you hear statistics. Different studies
typically vary as much as 100% in their survival rates. The median
survival means that half the people live longer than that number.
It is not the time left on your own person parking meter.
DOCTOR,
HOW LONG AM I GOING TO LIVE?
Don't
ask your doctor this. He doesn't know. Only God knows. See below.
DOCTOR,
WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF ME EVEN IF I DON'T DO AS YOU SAY?
If
I decide to forego treatment, will you still take care of me? Will
you do it as well off treatment as on? If you feel you can't take
good care of me, will you refer me to someone who will?
ANSWERS:
III.
QUESTIONS TO ASK GOD
HOW
LONG AM I GOING TO LIVE?
Good
question. He will have to look it up. While you're waiting for the
answer, live a little. It's good for you.
WHY
ME?
People
always ask that. What if God replied, "Why not you?" You know that
He works in mysterious ways. He won't give you anything you can't
handle. Besides, as the old story goes, the times you see only one
set of footsteps, He is carrying you.
©Buchholz
1997 All rights Reserved
|
Acrobat version